The 'F' word

I had lived 14 years, succeeding at everything I touched in the world.

Then one cloudy day, I stood staring at my corrected Physics paper which read '4 out of 20'. The teacher was merciful to me: she gave me my paper last so everyone was busy looking at theirs and didn't see my reaction. My brain was scrambling to process this brand new information: for the first time in my life, ever, I had failed. My best friend and my chemistry teacher were the 2 people in my life who held me up at that time and because of their unconditional love, I could bear to face the entire school the next day. Looking back, I can't blame them: who wouldn't gossip about the vice-minister of the blue house who failed in something everyone else had passed in? Quite predictably, I never learnt any physics after that but 'did well' in my board exams all the same.

As life went on, I succeeded at failing at things I actually loved and poured my heart and effort into: jobs and ministry, close relationships with friends and family, health and fertility. And every single time, I was so very shocked as if it had happened for the very first time. Nothing softened the blow for me nor prepared me for the next failure.

It turns out, I was believing that if I try, try and try again, I will succeed. Have you believed that too? And yet, I was experiencing that failure is not necessarily a stepping stone to success. For me, it was many times the complete dead end of the road with no stones or bridges in sight.

I wish, on that first day of failure, I would have allowed myself to keel over as I felt that invisible punch to my stomach. I wish my all teachers and classmates would have hugged me and said: "we are with you, we love you". I wish someone would have taught me how to fail. It would have certainly been more useful than physics.

If you are a human being reading this, you have got to know what I'm talking about, right? Please, please say you do. Has anyone ever had a truly failure-free life? Every year, there are board exams, and every year students fail. Yet, we do not teach our students how to handle failure. What is so terrible about this very common thing that no one wants to talk about??? If you fail in an exam, you can recover, pull up your socks and reappear for an exam. But when you fail at a relationship or a career, you really have to face failure square in the face. So who is going to help us when we fail? In time I learned: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

All around us- economies, governments, civil society- so much is failing everyday. We are making a mess of our world and our lives and we have no idea how to stop hurting ourselves. Some turn on others, some turn on themselves, but we have to have an outlet for all that pain.

I have got really good at failing as I've got older. Turns out, it still hurts just as much but it doesn't stop me from trying anymore. For example, there is a possibility that this whole idea of starting a blog may be a big flop. And if it does happen, I'm pretty sure it's gonna hurt real bad because I waited a long time to muster up the courage to do this. But you know, what? I've figured out that if I didn't die from utter humiliation that day that I got 4 out of 20 and couldn't look anyone in the eye, I'll live to tell about my next failure too.

That's because of the "F" word. Aah, it's not failure. Is that what you thought it was?!

Its freedom. I'm free. I'm free because Jesus set me free. I'm free because His family loved me enough to teach me how to receive freedom from anything and everything that has the power to enslave me. "It was for freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1. I've been free for over 17 years now and I have decided I am never going back into slavery.

(picture credit: Zarah)

So now, at 41, I can fail miserably, pour out my grief to Him and go to sleep free. I'm freeeeeeeee! Because He lives, no matter what has happened today, I can face tomorrow! And so can you, my friend, so can YOU! I hope this blog and this song speak life into your situation today:

P.S: messymiraculousmommy wants to stay anonymous, so if you know someone who needs to hear this today, please do share it with them, without revealing her identity.