10 things about motherhood that I wish I knew before becoming a mother

This week 10 years ago, I was making the huge transition from ‘I’m a barren woman waiting for a baby’ to ‘I’m a mother and my 3-month-old daughter is coming home soon!’

 

This week 10 years ago, the sight of baby clothes, the smell of baby powder and the feel of baby diapers brought a huge smile on my face instead of the usual streams of tears.

 

This week 10 years ago, my life changed irreversibly and I have lived the best 10 years of my 42-year-old life. The heavens had opened and God showered on us a season of immense favour after what seemed like an eternity of wandering in the desert.

 

In these 10 years, I served through only two short hospitalizations for family members in comparison with 7 hospitalizations with family members and 6 times being hospitalized myself in the decades prior. I’m not even counting the very many accidents, surgeries not requiring hospitalization and other caregiving adventures. Through all these experiences, God had taught me a lot about motherhood and was preparing me for this time of favour. And now I look back in awe as I realize that God has also taught me a lot in these 10 years of favour.

 

So, to celebrate 10 years of messy, miraculous motherhood (the life, not the blog), here’s my list of 10 things about motherhood I wish I had learned before becoming a mother:

 

1.          Motherhood would make me invisible to the world and always visible to my children.

Of course, I was delighted that my baby received so much positive attention from everyone on her arrival, but I wasn’t prepared for the reality that while everyone focused on the welfare of the baby, no one asked about the welfare of the mother. People erroneously assumed that because I hadn’t gone through pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding, I didn’t need support and care. Motherhood became extremely alienating and lonely since I was confined to caregiving 24*7 with no practical help to relieve me even when I fell sick. But even more shocking was the reality that no matter what I did, I was constantly being watched by two little eyes and heard by two little ears. I was propelled into living life intentionally because I knew whatever I did would be what my baby learned to do. Because God taught me this, I gave up watching TV when my baby was very little and God opened up a whole new way of living without being addicted to ‘entertainment’.  

 

 

2.          I can get through motherhood without worrying about my children.

Unfortunately, I had grown up around worried, stressed, hassled mothers as role models and I had assumed that being constantly worried about your children came with the job. Thankfully God taught me very early on, that all my anxiety about doing things well or messing up my baby were entirely useless and it would be a lot more effective to pray instead of worry. God taught me in the first few weeks itself, very clearly that He had taken care of my baby through an undesired pregnancy, childbirth, legal relinquishment, and surgery for my 1-month-old baby- all without my help. And so, He was totally capable of now caring for and raising my children for His glory, with my help. I learned, early on, to be God’s assistant, taking my parenting instructions from Him rather than behaving as if I had created this fine child and I was solely responsible for her. I can humbly say, that while there have been very many occasions to worry much, God ensured I prayed first and worry just left the room. One night, when my son had hurt his head and was vomiting, the doctor advised that he be watched through the night and hospitalized immediately if he had any convulsions. It was the night before my sister’s roce ceremony i.e. two nights before her wedding and so I prayed: Lord, I can’t stay up all night but you can. So, please keep my son safe. And He did. While I slept soundly without worry.

 

3.          Motherhood will be immensely satisfying and fulfilling.

I was brought up to think that (a) educated women should put their education to good use by earning money and (b) motherhood is an obstacle to career goals or a fulfilling life for modern women. And so, I entered motherhood scared about how I was going to make this big sacrifice of not pursuing my career or personal goals. I was really shocked to find out that motherhood was immensely satisfying and fulfilling in itself. There were seasons where we withdrew savings and spent them just on food and diapers and seasons where we had plenty to give and save. But through these 10 years, I learned that motherhood is so much fun, so life giving for me as a mother and such a joy and delight that I will never go back to pursuing any goals that make me compromise on my motherhood.

 

4.          Even without going through pregnancy, childbirth and breast feeding, motherhood will be very demanding on my body.

Having done my post-graduation in human development, I knew more than most people outside the medical profession about pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. However, I couldn’t put any of that knowledge to use. And learned instead that even though I hadn’t gone through these three huge life experiences, motherhood would be extremely demanding on my body. In the month after our first baby came home, I lost 5 kgs doing ‘nothing’, my back was in constant pain from carrying my baby all the time. The doctor explained that while birth mothers’ bodies had time to adjust to the gradually increasing weight of the baby, my body had to go from carrying no weight to carrying my 5kg baby all the time, in a day. Adoptive mothers don’t get massages every day, so I just popped a muscle relaxant till my body got used to the pain and got on with mummying. On the arrival of our second baby (also through adoption), I would not sleep for even 3 hours at a stretch for the next three years. My body took a lot of neglect in that time and I’m still trying to reverse the effects of years of sleep deprivation, lack of exercise and poor nutrition. If I had known then what I know now, I would have cared very well for my body before I became a mother so that it could withstand this physical challenge.

 

5.          Motherhood will stretch my heart.

Becoming a mother stretched my heart even more than caring for 5 elders had. Being the constant caregiver of a vulnerable little baby who could not even communicate her needs except through crying gave me a new awareness of everyone else’s needs and feelings. I could now see other people, even very old people, as God saw them: His children that needed care, compassion and mercy. No matter how cynical or bitter they were as adults, I could now see people as tiny babies who didn’t get their emotional needs met in infancy and childhood and didn’t get the help they need to deal with that in adulthood.

 

 

6.          Motherhood will stretch my mind.

While I literally forgot many words, phrases and sentences common to adult-adult conversation in the first few years of motherhood, I was now able to take every literal and figurative step in my life, able to plan and act accordingly for three human beings at once. Planning how to get off a squeaky bed without waking two children who had just gone to sleep so that I could go pee became more challenging than planning a monthly budget. Planning how to dress two tiny ones in clothes and raincoats, carry their feeds and reach church in record time taught me how to use my brain more than any academic challenge I had had thus far.

 

7.          Motherhood is a mission field.

Initially, I felt very bad on cutting down on ‘ministry time’ or taking turns with my husband to serve in church and care for our children. But over a few years of heartbreak, God taught me that my motherhood is a mission field and that even by doing mundane tasks for my children, I was proclaiming the Gospel and ministering to my children’s souls. As they grew, and I could introduce them to the person of Jesus Christ and invite them into a relationship with Christ, I was more and more convicted of the immense value of my motherhood as a tool for God to use in the salvation of their souls and of many more souls through them. My focus then shifted from carrying His light into the street to making sure my own home was so well lit that many could be enlightened through this witness.

 

8.          God cares for mothers who have no one to care for them.

I knew in theory, that God cares for mothers who have no one to care for them because ‘He saw’ a pregnant slave girl Hagar in the desert and directed and provided for her through her motherhood. But in these 10 years of motherhood, I have learned that even if absolutely no one else notices what I do for my children, God sees, God cares and God provides for me all the resources and encouragement I need to keep at it, without the approval of human beings.

 

9.          Motherhood would make me a better disciple of Christ.

I had never really connected discipleship and motherhood until I became a mother and became so entirely helpless to help myself or my baby do even simple things like sleep. Because of my motherhood, I learned to rely heavily on God, to lean on Him for everything, to trust Him through impossible situations and to follow Him no matter what.

 

10.      I can never stop learning how to be a better mother.

I know that one day my children will grow up and no longer need me to mother them. I also know that’s what I should aim for- making them dependent on God and independent of me. But I’ve come to realize that even that day comes, my faithful Father will keep teaching me how to be a better mother- in the letting them go so they can cleave to their spouses or commit whole heartedly to their vocations, in finding ways to ask for help when I need it without taking away their liberty to live their lives, in becoming dependent on them without feeling like a burden but trusting that God will lead them like He led me- I can never stop learning how to be a better mother.

 

What have you learned in your journey of motherhood? Leave a note in the comments so others can learn from you.